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Rekindling the Lost Art of Listening
October 23, 2006
By Kenny Moore
In modern times we are in serious danger of believing that those who talk the loudest and the most win the day. My experience over the years has been that leaders who can actually keep their mouths shut and ears open have a better chance of being heard, believed and followed.
Transplanting monastic practices
When I lived in the monastery as a Catholic priest, we had a spiritual practice called the "Grand Silence." Each evening after evening prayer, we would retire to our cells under a cloak of silence that reigned until after Mass the following morning.
It was spiritual time spent reflecting on life, death and one's relationship to the divine—a chance to grapple with the dynamic tension between human frailty and the personal call to holiness. While religious reading was tolerated, we were encouraged to spend the time creatively doing nothing. The Roman philosopher, Cato, once said: "Never am I more active than when I do nothing." Granted, he wasn't a monk, but he was articulating one of life's golden truths. In sacred silence, we have a chance to hear an alternative voice beyond our self-serving subconscious. There are certain messages that will only be revealed in darkness and uncluttered space. Those who have the fortitude and faith to wait there are often copiously rewarded.
I came to understand how valuable this silence was only after I left the monastery and got married. When my wife and I returned from our honeymoon and began our life of marital bliss, she would, each evening, talk about her day at work, planned projects for the house, the number and names of our expected offspring, as well as an endless array of other wifely concerns. It took about a week before I broke under the barrage of words.
"Dear," I remember saying. "In the monastery, we didn't talk after dinner; we had the 'Grand Silence.'" I explained that I wasn't used to ongoing evening conversations. "I need some quiet in the house," I whispered. With concern and respect for her new husband, she lovingly replied: "Honey, you're so weird!"
This tension between monastic silence and marital discourse went on for years. It eventually got resolved around the dinner table when my wife and I were sharing an evening repast, surrounded by our two young squabbling sons. Milk was being spilt, food was being thrown and parental patience was being compromised. After the ninth foray into a cacophony of sibling rivalry, my wife threw down her napkin and announced: "That's it. Grand Silence! There's no more talking. You boys leave the table, go upstairs and put your pajamas on and get into bed. I've had enough!" As the boys retreated to their room, I looked at her with deep affection and said: "Honey, you're so weird!"
If my memory serves me well, I think I spent that night sleeping alone on the couch.
Silence as an necessary business skill
It's not just our personal life that benefits from silence. So does our corporate one.
I recently had a chance to work with one of our operating officers. He asked my help in designing a group meeting with his managers to get their input regarding departmental goals. We worked in crafting a session largely focused on what the employees had to say, and intentionally kept executive remarks to a minimum. During the half-day program, participants broke into small groups to write down their thoughts about business needs, operational gaps and suggestions for productively moving the business forward. The employees spent some time writing and a lot of time speaking. The officer largely listened.
There were a few interesting insights. We came to learn that when executives speak, employees rarely listen, or if they do listen, they don't believe. But co-workers have great credibility and when they talk, they have a significant impact on their peers, mostly because they're not seen as paid political envoys, but fellow workers laboring in the daily muck and mire. Even though the executive could have waxed eloquently about customer satisfaction and safety, having employees talk about their experiences on the job proved far more compelling.
After unedited conversations about business challenges and operational needs, one accountant remarked: "This is the first time I understand how our department actually fits into the company's Growth Strategy." Thank God the folks from Corporate Planning weren?t in the room; they would have reeled in horror.
In the midst of executive silence, we also got a chance to hear about our newly minted forced ranking system. Seems we achieved exceptional results in disheartening our employees and marginalizing the workforce. As one brave director said, "I don't mind raising the performance bar, but I personally resent being badgered and threatened by the system." How surprising: Our slavish adherence to "best practices" had once again ruptured employee relations and compromised intrinsic motivation.
When employees evaluated the half-day program, their one clear and consistent comment was: "How refreshing to be in a meeting with an officer who actually listens. It makes me hopeful about our future."
Practice Makes Perfect
While silence comes more easily to monks than to alpha males, it is a skill that can be learned and honed. Here are some practical steps to get you started:
1. The next time you're out driving, turn off the radio. Likewise, resist the temptation to use your cell phone. Besides being illegal, it?s dangerous to your life: interior as well as exterior. Drive around in the glow of silence and pay attention to what your eyes notice and your soul surfaces. There's inspiration and beauty abounding.
2. At an upcoming social event, go around the room and talk with as many strangers as possible. After a brief introduction, ask them what they do for a living, then shut up and listen. Periodically nod your head in agreement and use your eyes to offer support and encouragement. Occasionally say, "That sounds interesting, tell me more." People will be impressed. By evening's end, attendees will leave the gala affair commenting on your engaging personality and exceptional communication skills.
3. Stop watching TV. George W. Bush has gotten a few things right, and this is one of them. Television deadens our senses, causes undue anxiety about the future and leaves us feeling sullen and morose. In return for this small sacrifice, you?ll receive a dividend of extra time to creatively do nothing. Spend it wisely, perhaps by lighting a candle or expanding your spirit of gratitude for life?s little blessings.
4. Sit still for 10 minutes each day in silence. No prayer needs to be said; no mantra recited. Simply be present and be quiet.
Mystery in the marketplace
Mystery is marbled into all of life, and especially that of work. The realm of business is often the place where the drama of life unfolds. As recent headlines remind us, the perplexing realities of good, evil, suffering and injustice are made manifest. The inscrutability of growth, transformation and personal redemption often accompanies our work. As we journey in our jobs, we come to realize that life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.
It's said that upon graduation, doctors are informed that half of what they were taught is wrong. The problem is, the medical establishment's not sure exactly which half it is. When you're dealing with a human being, mystery runs rampant. Working with people is not a mechanical relationship; it's a sacred one.
If you consider that corporations are comprised of hundreds and thousands of human beings, it's unlikely we can readily mandate operating principles that will engage and motivate them. Perhaps simply showing up and listening is a worthwhile strategy for business success.
When confronted with mystery, our most practical response is awe: boldfaced and with abject stupefaction. It's no surprise that "mystery" comes from the Greek verb meaning: Keep your mouth shut. If we're looking for an executive role model for the competency of managing mystery, we might want to consider Moses standing before the burning bush. In stark imitation, we're well served to remain silent, remove our sandals and recall that we are standing on sacred ground.
I wonder how long it'll take Stephen Covey to add these to his list of "Highly Effective Habits"?
Kenny Moore is a Fortune 500 business executive and co-author of The CEO and the Monk: One Company's Journey to Profit and Purpose.
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